Being in the Moment

Being in the moment is something that I have always struggled with. While I am getting better at it, I wonder how you can be in the moment yet plan for the future. Today, I was good at being in the moment in traffic. Instead of stressing out about the day or worrying about my party tomorrow, I simply listened to the music and enjoyed it.

This blog is really less about being in the moment and more about deciding whether or not to end a relationship. I have had this on and off again relationship for 5 years. Yep, 5 whole years. It seems to be going nowhere. When you are in the moment, who cares! At the same time, I want different things for the future. I want to share my bills for one!! I want to be in a loving relationship. As much as I hate to say it, I am not sure why I keep going through this. I have tried and tried to be in a loving relationship with this man. As many times as we have tried, it does not work. There is some saying about that being insanity.

I think I might be procrastinating cleaning for the party so I am going to do that!

It Sounded Like A Good Idea

I am having a small get together tomorrow night. When did inviting friends over become more than buying a keg? Yes, I need to clean. I need to go get some food and drinks. Yes, I have beer and wine already! But, I need coffee, just in case. It would be so much easier to go pick up a keg. This party sounded like a good idea four weeks ago!

It also sounded like a good idea once upon a time ago to have responsibilities at work. Last night I had a dream that I woke up late. I missed three meetings. Yes, I was in charge of them all. I woke up thinking I should just take the day off, but it never seems like a good day to do it. Plus, one day never really helps, does it?

I have been trying to focus on enjoying having a job. Many people have lost their jobs and their homes. Today, I have the luxury to go to work and return to my very own home that I will enjoy cleaning! =)

Today is the Day

Yes, today is the day when the official training begins. As I crawled into bed last night, I could feel the pain in my ankle. While part of me wants to run this morning, the other part knows I should not. The other part knows that if I do I will need to get honest and go see the doctor! THe blog about running may soon change into another blog!

It is all in the wording isn't it. The voices in my head, I know you have them too!, are saying this marathon training will be a lot of hard work. I then tell them that it will be fun and challenging. It will be exciting to accomplish the goal. The dialouge continues, but everything is in the words!

So, regarding dating, this guy I have know for at least a year e-mails me last Thursday. He asks me to lunch and said he was nervous about doing so. I thought it was cute and asked him if it was a date. He said no...it was just lunch. Before the day is over, he, okay we because I was not disagreeing, have decided to go to the horse races, horse back riding, running, and riding bikes. It seems to be going well. We continue to communicate on Friday. I am excited about this but even I am feeling weird that it is moving too fast. On Saturday morning, I send him an e-mail in response to his e-mail stating that if this does well he should change his childcare schedule to match mine. I say to him something like Okay Mr. It is not even a date. He must have gotten offended because I get a message that I should not e-mail him. Then, I get one saying he is not having fun. Then another one telling me it is over. lol OMG What is over. I remove the two lunch dates from my calendar. He proceeds to call a few times. Mind you, I have been told the relationship where he has not even called is over, but now we need to talk and discuss it. In the past, I would have made sure he discussed it and would still want to go on a date with him. Now, I ran. Um yeah, when there is trouble before the first phone call, run!!

I spend most of the day serving food to the homeless on Saturday. I was amazed by a few things. First, there really are soem beautiful homeless people. I do not mean all people are beautiful, and therefore, homeless people are beautiful, too. I mean I did not expect to find beautiful women and men there. I am not saying that ugly deserve to be homeless either; I think it just became more real like any of us could end up there easily. I was also amazed at how clean they were. The kids were cute talking about My Space just like kids with homes.

Saturday night I had a lovely dinner with the ex. I spent most of the day with him yesterday. I called him last night and he said that he could see us married relatively soon. Um, isn't he my ex?? Anyway, it was fun, and he was cute. I think I need to spend some time writing and thinking about him. What is it that happens when we are "together" and especially when we live together that changes? Do we simply take one another for granted? Have we both just come to terms that there is no one better out there? Am I simply disgusted with the men that I end up communicating with? Are there simply no guys contacting me from eHarmony? What is it? Why do he and I constantly end up back together? For awhile I thought it was my fear of being alone. Now, I think I have learned to enjoy my time alone and almost wonder if I can really put a man back into my life and be happy!

Anyway, I am going to go out and attempt to run...

Just Do It!

So, last night I drug myself to this meeting and was totally inspired. The meetings revolve around the law of attraction. You know, THE SECRET! I have missed several meetings for tons of reasons like vacations and having the kids, but now I am set to go every other week. There is one woman in the group who I totally admire. She just sends these wonderful vibes of being peaceful.

Recently, pre-blog life, I created a posting on MySpace. It was about being content and how I have no desire to be content. I think I need to go reread what I wrote! I do want to be peaceful like her. I want to just radiate a sense that everything will be alright. I spend so much time stressing over things that are not even happening.

While I have been thinking that I have been positive lately, I was just having a conversation at lunch that made me really think about what I am doing. At work, I am spending so much time focusing on what I am not accomplishing. I am being way too hard on myself. I am creating a department from nothing and expect that it should be perfect by now. I am a fundraiser. I raise money for kids with mental illness. I have submitted several grants that have been denied. Yet, some have been approved. I turned an anonymous donor of balls at the holidays into a donor who is giving from his family's foundation. I have presented to many groups and created great awareness for the agency. I just feel so guilty because they are paying me more than I am bringing in. I worry that they will realize it and get rid of me. This is what I mean by stressing about what is not happening. I am not losing my job tomorrow. If I would spend all that energy on getting more funds instead of thinking I need a back up plan, I may never need a back up plan!!

I am committed to going to the gym today. My ankle hurts today. I may only walk three miles, but I am doing something!

So, from yesterday to today, I have created the possibility of being powerful, peaceful, and in love. I am grateful that I have a job where I make a difference in the world. Now, back to making a difference!

Getting Back on the Wagon

Okay, I must face the facts. I am off every wagon. Does anyone know where that saying comes from? It is actually from the founding of the Union Rescue Mission, but that is a whole other story. I have not been blogging even though I love it, and I have not been running which may be why I have not been blogging. My blog was for me to track my running!! I ran on Saturday. I did 3 miles in 32 minutes. While it is nothing big, I remember a time not to long ago when I did 2 miles in 30 minutes and was so proud!

I am sort of planning to go to the gym tonight. I think I might need better planning or a personal trainer. If only, I had someone to kick me out of bed in the morning!! When you run in the morning, you have no time to analyze what you could be doing instead or anything. You just go run without too much time to think about it or justify not running! I keep telling myself I can skip it tonight and go in the morning!!

I am getting ready to leave to go to a law of attraction meeting. Maybe I should attract a personal trainer? Hmmm, I do not want to go there either. In fact, all I want to do is sit and home and play Sims. Yep, I am addicted and love my fake life way more than real life. What has happened????

On sort of another topic, I have been hanging out with my ex-boyfriend again. Yep, 5 years of the same madness. Here I was just thinking I got all the drama out of my life. I even almost wrote it in the last paragraph, but if I am hanging out with him (probably hanging on to him), the drama is proably still there.

Okay, back on the wagon. I am going to this meeting, going to run, (playing Sims), and running and blogging in the morning!

It has been a Loooong day!

So, sometimes you log on to blog and get sidetracked. I was logging on to write about my day and my excuses for not running. Instead of doing that, I got curious about the people who have commented on my blog. So, now I am sitting here crying like a little baby, which was really probably what I needed to do instead of blog anyway. So, here goes my story, which now seems so stupid! And by the way, I warned you that this post would be more than just running!

First, I am just a little stressed about work lately. I am a fundraiser. I raise money, items, and awareness for kids with mental illness. Because the kids we work with are so "troubled", many people at my workplace appear to me to be burnt out. They do not appear to expect much from the kids. It really seems like there is not a lot of hope for the kids we serve. Okay, let's assume for a moment that I accept that as reality. This would mean that I would go out and speak with someone who has significant resources. Then, I would explain how they should give us resources to "help the kids" that have no hope. Hmmm, this is really troubling me and bothering me. I am not sure if this is really making any sense to someone who might be reading this, but the just is that I am conflicted at work.

Moving on to problem number two of the day, my ex-husband's girlfriend took my daughter to the doctor today. My daughter is 5. I was available to take her. Does anyone else seem to have a problem with this? Yes, she has a rash. Yes, she probably should go to the doctor. Yes, my ex-husband called to make the appointment. BUT, I think kids should go to the doctor with a real live parent!! I would never dream of asking a babysitter to take my child to the doctor! Of course, the doctor's office calls me and asks me to authorize medical treatment and I said No. Yep, I am probably creating a lot of unnecessary drama, but I just do not feel it is right. So, I ask the office if she can be seen in an hour when I can bring her. I proceed to miss a meeting and drive to pick her up. The girlfriend and my daughter are no where to be found. I am hoping this one is not making sense. Morale of the story here is that I have refused to authorize medical treatment because I thought I could take her in an hour and now she is gone. So, my daughter proably has a rash and probably wonders why mom would not let her see the doctor when she was sitting there waiting to see one!

So, I am conflicted at work, and my daughter has a rash. Um, yeah, then I log on and read about the September 11, 2001 events and wonder why I create so much freaking unnecessary drama in my life. I wonder why I always think things should be better and I want more and on and on and on. I have two BEYOND BEAUTIFUL children. I am able to run. I have a job that is flexible, allows me to lead a comfortable life, and attempt to make a difference in the world. I am educated, intelligent, and capable of so much. I am thankful that my life is exactly what it is.

The original title was "today's reality is the result of yesterday's decisions". I wonder what it would have been without the reality checks I had. I wonder what decisions I will make today that will effect tomorrow's reality! =)

Every weekday I participate in a Powercall. It allows me to set up my day. I talk about what I will do for each of my three bigger goals. I also create the possibility of what I want to be. Today, I was in the moment. I think I will be in the moment for several more days and get a little more present to what I really have in each moment.

Being Tired and Grouchy

I am not sure what my problem is, but I am simply tired and grouchy. I thought it was the lack of exercise. Since the half marathon, I have only worked out once. I ran a mile and a half last Thursday. I had bought new shoes and was scared to train too long. They also felt like they were rubbing my ankle wrong. Today, I ran three miles, and the shoes seem to be cool.

Dating...This e-Harmony thing is making me tired. lol I was realized the reason for being tired and grouchy! Seriously though, you get all excited and go on a date with someone for the first time. Then, you realize that it is not the person you are looking for.

I am so confused. Can someone just swoop in and be that person I am seeking? It would make my day!!

Energetic and happy is the possibility I am creating for myself tomorrow. Energetic and happy!!

Should I train today?

I think I am going to go back to the gym today. I am excited about doing it. I will likely just walk for about 30 minutes.

The Project

This is the list I was referring to in a previous post...

Top Twenty List

1. Visit Europe
2. Ride in a yacht
3. Ride in a private jet
4. Take golf lessons
5. Take a creative writing course
6. Volunteer with Habitat for Humanity
7. Sell a piece of art
8. Get to know my neighbors
9. Write Mr. Fornear, my 5th grade teacher, a letter
10. Take Ian and Zoe on a family vacation
11. Take a weekend road trip alone (The cell phone will be restricted for emergencies only!)
12. Read the Bible
13. Send a thank you note to Mary and Jon
14. Begin learning Spanish
15. Update and utilize my website
16. Volunteer at a soup kitchen
17. Join a political campaign
18. Implement family rituals
19. Run a ½ marathon
20. Read one book per month

I commit to accomplish the items on this list by May 1, 2009. To support me in this effort, I will send a monthly update to at least 15 people who have made a difference in my life. I will also talk to one new person per week about this project.

The Buzz is Gone

The buzz from Sunday is gone. Sunday I was ready to take on the world. I wanted to work out that night and the next day. Yesterday I felt a little pain from the race; it was more than 48 hours later. The buzz is gone! I did go buy running shoes and socks last night. I bought some gels, jelly beans, and stuff to add to my water. I think I will do some sort of small workout tomorrow. I might try a walk, yoga, or pilates. I am more than committed to run a marathon.

On the dating front, there is really no news either. The guy I thought I upset called and left a message. Something about him seems slightly off. That is the point where I have learned that you should listen to my insticts and run!!

I have a long day in front of me. Long is not the right word to use! I have a fun and exciting day in front of me. I am touring one of the houses where I work to get a better idea of their needs. I have a luncheon where I plan to meet exciting new people. I am joining some friends for dinner and then I am attending a Landmark event tonight. Landmark should renew my running buzz that I could use right now!

Marathon...Here I Come??

It is offically 48 hours after I began running my first half-marathon. I still feel really good. I spent the whole day yesterday surfing about running. I have so much to learn. I ordered a new shirt that says, "13.1 miles and still smiling"; I also bought a running skirt. It is so important to look cute! ;-) I learned that perhaps my two blisters were due to cotton socks. Today I plan to buy a new pair of shoes and some socks. I know that I need to learn how to stretch. I just go run. I am sure that is not the best technique. I found a local running group and joined their yahoo group. My ankles had been swelling but seemed to handle the race well. I should probably visit the doctor and let her know my plans, too. I found a link for the last marathon on Catalina. It was like a 90+ minute documentary. It really amazes me that people run when they are "old". I am always frustrated with people who just quit living while they are still here on this planet. Those peeps are truly inspirational.

While my goal is to log my progress daily, I want my blog to be more than just running. In May, I created a list of the top 20 things I want to do this year. This year means before May 1, 2009. One of the items was a half-marathon. It looks like I might just do a marathon, too! I don't have a list on this computer and don't want to retype it so I will add it later. I'd love to know what others are doing to keep living and avoiding the ho-hum that can sometimes be our lives! And, no, I did not get the idea from the movie "The Bucket List". I read a book and got the idea. Do people still read?

I think I am also going to blog about dating. I have never been one to keep my personal life personal so why not? I joined e-Harmony again. In looking through my past matches, I have been there on and off for about 2.5 years. I am sure this is not a statistic that e-Harmony wants to know. However, I am convinced I will find the love of my life there! For some dumb reason, I keep dating this guy that I have dated on and off for about 5 years. Once, I started dating some guy I met in a bar. If I would just stick with e-Harmony, they would match me up!! I am sure of it!

I have decided that I am going to be really passionate about love. I am going to love like I did when I was 14. You know how it was back then. No one had baggage. No one was wounded. I will likely scare the wounded away, but that is for the best anyway. To update you, I have been on one date thus far. The guy was totally cool. I talked to him on the phone for hours last night. It was like being 12 again. However, I think something went wrong at the end. He asked me when I was available to go out, and I told him. Then, he said he would call me later. Hmmm, that seemed a little weird after hours on the phone. I'll keep you posted! Dating can be strange. Yes, I have read the Rules Book. I know I am not supposed to talk to someone for hours on the phone so early!

1/2 Marathon Completed

Yesterday I participated in the Disneyland 1/2 marathon. Today, I am searching for a marathon. I wanted to join a runner's blog, but I did not have a blog. Now, I am creating a blog! Whew! There is a lot that goes into running besides running!

Since I do not want to write 10 blogs for today, I want to tell you about the 1/2 marathon.

First, how did I decide to do it? I have never, ever been a runner. Last August, I joined a new agency, http://www.sangabrielchild.com/. As an initial fundraiser (I am in charge of development), the CEO, CFO, and I decided to run a 5K to support the Covina Rotary. We paid our entry fee to support them and raised money from our contacts for our agency. To get our co-workers excited, we raced around the block. Everyone just knew I would beat our CEO and CFO. The CEO smoked me at the end though. While he was vomitting, I was thinking I should now do a 10K. In May, I did my first 10K. Again, I thought I could challenge myself further.

How did I do?
My finishing time was 2:32:06. I jogged the entire way minus the areas that were too impacted and the water stations. Someone said there was 13,500 of us. Imagine all the watercups; I was afraid I would fall in those areas. Overall, I felt great. There was one point which I thought this is tough and I am not challenging myself further. However, I ran into the finish line. It felt so good to accomplish this goal. I had completed all of the training alone.

What is next?
I am trying to decide which marathon to enter. I think I have narrowed it down to either Surf City or LA. Anyone a predictor of weather? LA seems like way too many people. Surf City had horrible weather last year.